As I was reading the newly completed "Service Plan" for my brother Paul, I noticed several administrative items needing changed and updated. I will take care of these in an email to his Case Manager, Cris.
I also noticed a couple very important items that need updated and changed as well.
For the spot marked if Paul has a Living Will (DNR) it was marked "No". This caught my attention and I immediately contacted our Mom to discuss this with her. I feel that Paul needs a DNR/Living Will made up and in place. Mom was not focusing on our conversation, as it was a serious one concerning Paul, and she just doesn't focus on these things. However, I wanted and needed her agreement to get this in place soon.
Once I simply stated "Mom, I need your agreement to pursue this now, so I can get things in order for Paul." She said yes it was important and she agreed. We will probably discuss it more over the next week, after she has had time to digest the conversation.
I have no clue what anyone reading this may think or feel about the matter of a DNR or Living Wills, but everyone in my family has had these in place since the early 1990s due to losing several people early and after Paul's accident in 1986 and mine in 1989.
Each family needs to determine for themselves what is appropriate and then discuss it with those they love so that their wishes will be fulfilled. My family did not discuss it with Paul, as it never has come up before now. Almost, like we were not able to make this decision with all those other items concerning Paul and his care.
We have a life insurance policy for Paul's burial and we have a plot bought next to Dad. However, his services only know of the insurance. I need to get a couple more items taken care of then I need to get this into his "Service Plan" so that if Paul outlives the rest of us (his Mom and sisters) then they know what to do for him.
I am unsure how to approach these topics with my brother, as they are not what he wants to talk about ever!
My questions concerning this are:
How do I talk about heavy and complicated issues concerning death with Paul?
What words could I use, knowing that four worded sentences are as long as his memory can hold
and then for only about 3 seconds?
When is the appropriate time to talk about this?
Does Paul even care?
He gets upset over medical and these life decisions, is it right to upset him?
Should I simply make the decisions and get the rest of the family's approval?
I do not like this topic either, but feel it is important to share with everyone as these decisions need made, especially for family who cannot make the necessary end of life choices that even non-TBI victims do not want to discuss.
I encourage everyone to have these talks and make those preparations so that when the time comes when we move on from this world, our family knows our wishes...we know our family's wishes...and we can handle, this not so great event of, losing someone we love.
My Dad didn't do this and his wife, Kathy, was left a mess that she has barely gotten out of financially some 11 years later. During the immediate aftermath of his accident, she was completely unprepared for the questions the coroner, Funeral home and priest asked. I was grateful that I could be there to assist her and everything turned out well for the service and luncheon get-together afterwards. Looking back, I am glad that I had my accident as it helped me learn that "death" comes to all and it's those of us who remain that need taken care of and planned for. Hence, why I have had a will and DNR/Living Will since the early 1990s and my family know my wishes.
Be pro-active and take care of this. Do not leave your loved ones in the dark on what you want and make sure to have this taken care of for those whom you are the guardian and caregiver.
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